| |
[Aug. 30th, 2004|11:09 pm] |
| [ | im feelin pretty... |
| | bittersweet | ] |
well, today was rough. i missed rachel a lot, but due to her actions, its pretty 100% that she wants shit to be over pretty bad. i cry and stuff, but its slowly getting better and better...little by tiny little bit. it hurts really bad, not to be with her, i mean. when im in the same room with her, iwant to get out so badly, i just feel like running, running really fucking fast away so i dont have to see her face and know that she's moved on while i still havent....but a part of me doesnt want to run too. you know? i feel as if i'm going to throw up, but i guess that will pass in time. i hope adrian treats her better then i did, dude. cuz i had my moments where i was a dick,lol, trust me, i know. i used to get so mad at her over dumb things that she had no control over, like how she felt about aaron, and even though i know those feelings are gone, i reckon its too late. a few times before we broke up i called her a bitch, and i didnt mean it, maybe she was being BITCHY at the time, but she wasnt a bitch. you know? she didnt deserve that. at all. man, i'd kill someone for one more day with her....not even to like fix stuff, because hey, whatever makes her happy....but to just...be nicer i guess, and kiss her and know that it'd be the last time i would, so i could try my hardest to remember it.
even though i could be a huge bastard, i also had my good moments. one time, i snuck out of my house to go give her her birthday present before it turned midnight, so it wouldnt be late, cuz we had a fight that day. when i got her bojangles was also pretty neat too. i hope she doesnt throw him away. lmao, im such a geek at heart. i remember the first time i held her hand....and even though i was a tiny bit drunk, and i couldnt really voice it, i was SO EXCITED...i thought she was so pretty. (this is about where the crying starts) i remember the first time we had sex. i dont know how she feels about me putting this in here, but im just typing it as i think it. anyway, i was so utterly extremely nervous, but she made me feel better about it, cuz i was still a virgin, ya know? i felt comfortable with her. it was one of the best nights of my life. afterwards, we ate ice cream and watched some movie about womens rights on tv. i wasnt really paying attention to the movie though. from when we were first together, to the last hug i got from her, which was a while ago, i still get that weird funny warm feeling in my stomach :). i used to rub her neck and stuff after she would run cross country, and i used to like to. i dunno, it made me feel good, to be helping her i mean.
its so ironic. ive learned all the lessons i needed to, and reflected on the how she felt about aaron and such, but its too late. at least i learned it, eh? i remember one time when we talked on the phone for like 5 hours nonstop while she was babysitting. she watched blow on dvd. it was the first time she told me she loved me. i smiled the biggest fucking smile ever.
i hope to god that if she wont date me, that whoever she dated can treat her how she deserved to be treated, not like some untrusting jerk like i was. i hope that she can wake up and feel how i felt about whoever she's within the future. *sigh* the love i have for her is more than some of you can even believe. i lost sight of that for a while, with my selfish requests of wanting to be with her again, but i regained it now. if ill make her happy, then ok....great, but if i dont, then i hope she finds someone who will. im glad i realized that. it makes me feel like ive grown up some. crying too hard to keep typing.
the missing is an emotional pain so intense, its physical. it feels like your hearts is going to break from your chest, your throat swells closed, its not easy to look at them so you avoid eye contact. its the most intense thing ive ever felt. i hate it, but if it makes her happy. ill endure it.
love is an action people. dont forget that like i did. dont forget to show it. |
|
|
missing her
blah
deadset on this
contemplative
content
